Lead Me Not Into Temptation
by Thorn In Your Side
Summary: I can find the way myself. SasuPak, crack? I think so. 8D


Lead Me Not Into Tempation

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!  
A/N: What can I say? This pairing is morbidly fascinating to me. Besides, it makes my crush snicker. And I do love it when she snickers. So to me and her, whose perverted thoughts mix so well, this fic is dedicated. **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Night watch, any ANBU patrol member would tell you without qualms, gets awfully boring during times of peace. Not to mention _**lonely, **_especially on cool winter nights when everyone ought to be in bed, entangled with another body...or a pet, at the very least.

Kakashi _**hated **_the night watch with a passion. He hated it much more than the average ANBU did, because he had a warm body that was more than willing to wrap itself around him on cold winter nights. And if the wrapping around thing took another turn, well, the body in question was perfectly fine with that too.

So perhaps it'll come as not a surprise to you that the Copy Nin had convinced his favorite student to take over his watch with him, accompanied by his nin dog in case something should go wrong.

Pakkun followed the Uchiha at a respectful distance, at least until the boy turned around in a huff and sat down on a random roof.

"This sucks. Naruto and Sakura and Sai are out partying and I have to fill in for Kakashi-sensei and he won't even tell me who his fucking fuckthing is," Sasuke said calmly, reining in his anger like an pro.

"Why on earth did you agree to fill in for him anyway?" Pakkun asked lazily, settling down in the male's lap with his head resting on his front paws. Sasuke turned away. "I was…hoping to see someone."

Pakkun perked up at that. "The little boy's got a little girl, eh? Tell me all!"

Sasuke shifted uncomfortably. "She's not really a she."

Pakkun cocked his head to the side. "There's nothing wrong with liking men, lad."

"She—he's not really, uh, human."

Pakkun's eyes widened to the size of golf balls. "Forbidden love, huh? The sweetest kind. And of what species _**is **_your paramour?"

"Of the…canine persuasion."

There was a long, pregnant pause during which several readers dropped dead from starvation. Well, I said it was long, wasn't it?

"I think I can safely say I will spend the rest of my life regretting asking you this question—but would it be anyone I know?"

"Well," Sasuke said, finally looking the dog in the eye, "That depends. How well do you know yourself?"

"Pretty well--oh. I see."

"Yeah."

"Hmmm."

"Yeah."  
"So this is rather awkward," Pakkun noted.

"Just a bit. Considering you're in my lap, and everything."

"Well I hadn't even considered _**that, **_but I think I'm going to move now," his canine companion quickly settled down next to him. Sasuke fidgeted for a while, and then looked off into the stars again.

Suddenly, there was a loud crash and a flash of golden light—the signal that something was wrong, set off by a fellow night patroller. The jounin and the dog leapt to investigate, and found a parrot masked female struggling to suppress an obviously drunk man. Sasuke cold cocked him with a rock, and the woman turned to him in surprise as the man went limp.

"I can't believe I didn't think of that," she said, "Good for me you were walking your dog, huh?"

"Yeah," Sasuke said vaguely, "I guess."

The kunoichi seemed to take a second glance at him, and notice his features. Her stance changed decidedly for a more seductive position, and she leaned in, removing her mask. "So, how old are you?" she purred, "I'm Akina."

"I'm disinclined to know you."

"I'm not the least bit put off."

"I'm walking away," he informed her, and proceeded to make good his word. Pakkun trotted behind him, but not before he bared his teeth threateningly at the woman, who took no notice.

"I'm following you. That is an adorable ass you have on you, by the way."

"You're insane," Sasuke said disbelievingly as she pushed him against a wall. "Get off of me!"

"The funny thing about ninja villages. A few screams in the middle of the night will never be marked as anything to be concerned about," Akina commented airily as she slid her hands under his shirt. She froze suddenly, and her face twisted in agony before she opened her mouth to let out a scream. "ARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!!"

She jerked away from the boy, and Pakkun let go of her foot, which he'd bitten clean to the bone.

"And don't ever touch my bitch again, bitch!!"

"Whoa," Sasuke said, "Back up there. I'm your bitch?"

"Uh," the nin dog said, "If you'll have me…?"

Sasuke knelt down and grinned a big, goofy grin. "I think I will."

0000000000000000000

About a year and a half later, Konohagakure witnessed something very, very strange: it's last Uchiha and its most potent nin dog's interspecies wedding.

"I can't believe," Naruto ground out, "that I agreed to be maid-of-fucked-up-honor."

"I can't believe Sasuke agreed to be the bride," Sakura grinned, "But c'mon…this is fun!" she twirled around in her pink bridesmaid kimono, "Sai doesn't mind!"

"That's 'cause Sai has no concept of male dignity," the jinchuuriki whined. His lover snuck up behind him and hugged him tight. "That's not what you were saying last night," he whispered.

"Sai, wrong line; inappropriate timing."

"Damn it. I'm never going to get this, am I?"

Kakashi smiled proudly at his dog. "I'm so happy for you," he said, "Sure, walking in on you doing my student was a bit of a shock—"

"Understatement of the century," Bull muttered under his breath, "He was comatose for six months. He totally missed the engagement."

"But I've come to realize that if giving you head is what makes Sasuke happy, then I'm just going to have to turn a blind eye to the fact that no, I won't have grand students, ever."

"Hey," Yamato frowned, "Sakura's straight!"

"…Oh yeah, I'd forgotten about her."

The kunoichi had a funny expression on her face. Lee quirked an eyebrow at her. "What is it, my youthful cherry blossom of love?"

"I just had the weirdest urge to punch Kakashi-sensei's lights out."

"I get that urge all the time," Sai assured her.

Soon, it was time for the ceremony. Akamaru and Kiba were officiating, and seemed very uncomfortable in their position as clergymen.

"Hey," Kiba whispered to Sasuke, "Just to make sure…we can still have sex right? I mean we just got ordained over the Net, we're not _**technically **_men of the cloth…"

"Yes Kiba," Pakkun sighed, "You can still have sex. Just not with my bitch though."

"Do you, Pakkun, take Sasuke to be your unnaturally wedded bitch, to fuck and love, through sickness and health, till divorce or death parts you?"

"I don't think I'll be fucking him in sickness, but yeah. I do."

"Do you, Sasuke, take Pakkun to be your unnaturally wedded doggy-husband, to fuck and love, through sickness and health, till divorce or death parts you?"

"Of course I do," the Uchiha smiled.

"By the power invested in me by clergymen. com ," Kiba announced, "And my dog, I now pronounce you dog and bitch. You may kiss the bitch."

Everyone turned a delicate shade of green (and it wasn't with envy, either) as Sasuke leaned down to tongue wrestle with Pakkun, whose interest was quickly made evident until Kurenai coughed loudly. "Whoa there, watch the tongue people, I have a baby over here."

"It's the most beautiful wedding ever," Tsunade bawled, "I never got to have a wedding!"

Kakashi waggled his eyebrows at her. "I'm game if you are, babe."

SMACK.

"I'm **_never_** going to be that drunk, Kakashi."

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**SasuPak is WIN. 8D And, Kakashi's fuckthing/lover/other...it's Gai. Nyah. **

**Don't own Friends, from which I stole/adapted a few lines!**


End file.
